I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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