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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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