So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize