I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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