You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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