DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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