the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
