And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I supernannyed him into submission
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
