I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
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