Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
