I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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