i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
