And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I booty called her while she was in labor.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
