I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
