Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
