My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
