The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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