I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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