dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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