you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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