I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
