just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
