Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
