she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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