He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
