I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
