he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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