my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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