My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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