I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
