Got a toothbrush?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
