I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
