Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize