I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
