Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
