I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
