That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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