I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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