Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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