I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
