I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
