yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
