i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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