tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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