Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
as a side note pls kill me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
