Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
