3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
