Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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