I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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