You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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