He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
