She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
