please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
