Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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