i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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