He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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