I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
