If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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