i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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