Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
