ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
