Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
