I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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